On Vaginas May 5, 2008

Oh, vaginas smell like heaven on a Summer’s day, and taste like ice-cream stolen from the sugar-pixies themselves.

On Matthew Broderick Accidently Saying Something Sexual On Morning TV May 5, 2008

I was interviewed by a regional news crew from the BBC in 2005 and somehow said the words “cock-sucking slut” when describing a road-traffic accident at a minor intersection.

These things happen.

On Margaret Seltzer Being Discussed At A 1930’s Dinner Party May 5, 2008

(note – Margaret Seltzer was found out to have created a fictitious memoir based on her fictitious memories of growing up in an LA “hood”. She also has large breasts)

SIR GEOFFREY

Why, Adams, you old dog, you – come closer, dear boy. I simply must declare my undying adoration of that filly Seltzer’s marvellous mountains!

ADAMS

I hear the talents she so obviously brings are done a disservice by her penchant for lily-gilding, Sir.

SIR GEOFFREY

Indeed, my boy. But it is said amongst no finer crowd than this, that baby may have back – if not front, Adams. Thoughts?

ADAMS

I have heard the same whispers in the self-same corridors, Sir. She undoubtedly has a fine rack, although – if I may speak somewhat out of turn – it appears that she will not be going back after reportedly getting some black.

SIR GEOFFREY

Ah, what a damned shame. My darling Cressida went through the exact same thing in the Congo. Last time I saw her, she was waving goodbye from the back of an elephant, naked as the day I met her. Ah well – I guess it’s off to war, then?

ADAMS

Indeed!

SIR GEOFFREY

I meant for you, not me. Of course.

ADAMS

Of course, Sir. Wouldn’t dream of it any other way. (EXITS)

(thanks “Hamud”)

On The Titles Of Future Blogs I’ll Create To Get A Book Deal May 5, 2008

“Things I Should Tell My Cats, But Don’t”
“Thoughts On Air”
“The Poetry Of Spilling Rice”
“Heartstopping Beauties I’d Never Have The Guts To Even Say Hello To”
“Things I Hide At The Back Of My Sock Drawer”
“Sexual Fantasies That Would Get Me Fired Almost Instantly From Anywhere”
“Injured Donkeys, And Other Things Men Cry About When No-one Is Looking”

On The Difference Between American English And English May 5, 2008

We call ice-cream “daisy-dewdrop” over here. And cigarettes “rapists”.

(thanks “Moff”)