On The Proposed Russian Version Of “The Office”

“Welcome to Office. We sell paper. Paper from trees, yes? We have several people in office helping sell paper from trees. Some of them are the women. Some of them are not women. All of us are equal here. Except Boss. Boss is equal but greater. Boss has outdated facial hair. We have lights that fight the darkness we all feel. They are mostly located in ceiling. We have stapler. It is the Uncle Joe 8500 – good model. Very old, but can place staple through neck of man. Will meet your needs. We have carpet too. It leads up to kitchen area. This where we make tea. Please note potplant – it is not real, so do not water from a kindness. This microwave – 300 watts of power with only 100 decibels at closest quarter. Stand downwind of sink in early morning. This next door – toilet. It serves needs of almost fifty adult. Sink is for both sexes. Please note – no hand-dryer allowed since Chernobyl – we prefer rough woven towel on gigantic roll, it is less strain on electrical substation located right next to office. Please ignore sparks from every metallic surface, or several of your hairs standing ends. Buzzing in head will fade in 3 – 6 week. Here is desk. You share it with family of four passing through to Estonia. Baby is in top drawer – important you do not lock during business hour. Your chair is next in line to receive leg. Work now.”