Hillary’s Drop-Out Email To Her Supporters

“I wanted you to be one of the first to know the glaringly obvious, hence this impersonal email: on the day after Friday, more commonly known as “Saturday”, I will hold a special ceremony to thank everyone who has not supported my campaign enough. Over the course of the last 23 months, I have been touched by thousands of people, mostly around the hands and forearms, sometimes on my face or shoulders. I have witnessed the incredible dedication of my husband as he sacrificed whatever good feelings this country still had left for him for my campaign. Every minute he put into helping me win made him grow redder in the face, every dollar I gave to keep up the fight meant more to me than I can ever possibly tell you. I am privileged.

On “Saturday”, I will somehow extend my congratulations to Senator Fuckface and grudgingly support his candidacy. This has been a long, hard-fought and bitterly divisive campaign, but I have always said, my differences with Senator Fuckface are small compared to how much I wanted to win.

I have said throughout the campaign with my fingers-crossed that I would strongly support Senator Fuckface if he somehow became the Democratic Party’s nominee by some twist of fate or convoluted “more delegates” arithmetic, and I intend to have that promise dragged out of me like a kidney stone.

When I decided to run for President, I knew exactly why I was getting into this race: to work hard every day to become President.

I blame you – and everyone who supported me – I promise. I’m going to keep that promise today, tomorrow, and for the rest of my life.

I will be speaking on “Saturday” about how together we can have a rally and burn an effigy of Senator Fuckface. The stakes are quite high and the kindling too flammable to do otherwise.

I know as I continue my lifelong work for a stronger bank-balance and a better house, I will turn to you for the support, the cash, and the commitment that you have shown me in the past 37 months. And I will always keep faith with the issues and causes that are important to whatever the focus groups say.

In the past few days, you have shown that support once again with hundred of thousands of messages to the campaign all written in Terry McAuliffe’s handwriting, and again, I am touched by his thoughtfulness and kindness.

I can never possibly express my anger, so let me simply say, fuck you.”