On Parodying The Conspiracy Theories Of The Rapper “Prodigy”

(sorry for the caps – but sometimes madness needs to be shouty)

THE ENORMOUS DEVIL PARAKEET “DUANE” STOLE MY BOXERS FROM MY DRYER WHICH WAS POWERED BY SECRET LINES OF ELECTRICITY RUNNING THROUGH MY HOUSE WHICH TERMINATE IN “MAGIC HOLES” BURROWED INTO THE VERY WALLS I TALK TO DAILY. “DUANE” HAS BEEN SEEN FLYING ABOVE SCHOOL YARDS WEARING MY UNDERWEAR AND OBTAINING STORE CREDIT UNDER MY NAME WITH WHICH HE BUYS TOASTER OVENS FROM AN UNDERGROUND DISCOUNT ELECTRICAL GOODS SUPPLY RUN BY LOU DOBBS AND OTHER MEMBERS OF “THE BELGIUM OCTAGON SECT” WHICH HAS TIES BACK TO THE NAZI PARTY AND SERIES TWO OF AMERICAN IDOL. PEOPLE I AM SORRY TO SAY THAT 87% OF MISSING SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR ARE BEING KEPT HIDDEN IN MONTANA AND ARE BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED BY MASSIVE CAGED-BIRDS WHO HAVE BEEN BRAINWASHED BY GEORGE MICHAEL OF KENT AND OTHER ROYAL DIGNITARIES. THERE IS A PARKING LOT IN ST. PETERSBURG WHERE ALL THE MONGOOSES IN SOUTH EAST ASIA CONGREGATE EVERY SPRING TO BRING ABOUT A NEGATIVE ENERGY TO COUNTERACT THE POSITIVE ENERGY FROM APPLE TREES IN THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE.

(“Aunt Peniston” and “Jill7” goad me by actually replying)

YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER UNTIL EVERY SOFA IS CHECKED FOR LISTENING DEVICES CONNECTED TO MR. BILL GATES’ ALASKAN PRISON-PALACE WHERE HE KEEPS THE REAL COPY OF VISTA THAT ACTUALLY WORKS AND HAS DRIVERS FOR MY 5 YEAR OLD EPSON PRINTER UNDER LOCK AND KEY SO I CANNOT PRINT OFF THE TRUTH AND HAND IT TO PEOPLE AT THE TRAIN STATION WHILE THEY WAIT FOR TRANSPORT THAT RARELY ARRIVES UNLESS AUTHORISED BY DICK CHENEY OR JIMMY BUFFETT.

YOUR POWERS AND NINE-DIMENSIONAL CATS ARE A TOPIC FOR ANOTHER DAY. THE FOIL IS USELESS!!!

(“mitchell_stevens” thinks he knows who Duane is)

THIS DUANE YOU SPEAK OF IS A PLASTIC INTERLOPER DEVELOPED BY THE NSA AND MATTEL TO SPREAD DISINFORMATION ABOUT CITRUS FRUIT TO UNDERPRIVILEGED HORSES SO THAT SWITZERLAND CAN RISE UP IN THE YEAR 2015 TO TAKE ITS UNHOLY MIGHT AND USE IT AGAINST THE SO-CALLED SPORT OF FIGURE-SKATING. THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE FAKE-DUANE HOLD YOUR LIGHTER AGAINST HIM – HE WILL NEVER RECOIL, ONLY MELT AND SCREAM IN DUTCH.

(“dummyfakeroller” complains about madness in caps-form)

CAPS LOCK IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET THE REAL TRUTH ABOUT LIES ACROSS TO YOU – BY SHOUTING IT STRAIGHT INTO YOUR EYES AND PAST A FRONTAL-LOBE THAT HAS BEEN SHRUNKEN BY LOWER-CASE HIPSTERS AND TEXT MESSAGING FOR FAR TOO LONG.

(“shiverymcpickles” worries about my medication, but agrees that Duane is Dutch)

THEY HAD ME ON SO-CALLED MEDICATION FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS UNTIL I WALKED ACROSS A LEY-LINE IN A FOREST OUTSIDE DUSSELDORF BACK IN 2005. THE POWER SURGED THROUGH ME AND MY TESTICLES SWELLED UP TO THE SIZE OF BIG MACS AND FOR ONCE I FINALLY SAW THE TRUTH AND LEAVES AROUND ME. THERE WERE ALSO TWIGS AND SOME BADGERS IN THE UNDERGROWTH WHICH I PUT DOWN TO THE NATURAL SCHEME OF THINGS REALLY. I WAS FINALLY AWAKENED LATER BY A DOG-WALKER WITH A CONCERNED LOOK UPON HIS FACE. HIS DOG SNIFFED ME CAREFULLY FOR BOMBS AND SPOKE FLUENT ENGLISH WITH ONLY THE SLIGHTEST OF ACCENTS.

(“SarahMcL” wants me to focus on other problems)

YOUR PROBLEMS ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO THOSE WHO TOIL DAILY AND NIGHTLY AND THEN SOMETIMES IN THE AFTERNOON IF THE GUARDS AREN’T PAYING CLOSE ATTENTION TO GET THE TRUTH AS WE SHOULD SEE IT OUT THERE TO THE THREE PEOPLE WHO TOOK MY PAMPHLETS LAST WEDNESDAY. THE PRESIDENT OF VENEZUELA, RICARDO MONTALBAN, SAID THE EXACT SAME THING AS YOU LAST WEEK ON ONE OF MY FAVOURITE SOAP OPERAS ON FOX NEWS. SHE EXPRESSED HER DISTASTE FOR THE TRUTH AS SHE HAS BEEN CAUGHT EATING RODENTS FROM TRASH COMPACTORS AND THEN READING THE ENTRAILS IN ORDER TO SEE HOW THE EURO WILL COMPARE TO THE DOLLAR IN 2009 SO SHE CAN WIN A BET SHE HAS WITH CLAY AIKEN, THE FAMOUS MASS-MURDERER FROM HAWAII.

(“BullfightsOnAcid” agrees, and is undergoing an awakening without punctuation)

YOU HAVE FALLEN INTO THEIR TRAP. YOUR LACK OF SHOUTEYNESS IN PIXEL FORM AND LACK OF PUNCTUATION IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT FROM THE SHEEPLE OF THIS WORLD. YOU ARE CORRECT ABOUT THE SQUIRRELS, MY FRIEND – THE GRAND ORDER OF BARRY, A SQUIRREL FRONT FOR GUN-RUNNING AND BASKET-SNATCHING – HAD AN ENORMOUS HOARD OF NUTS HIDDEN AT THE BASE OF THE NORTH TOWER. TWO WEEKS BEFORE 9/11, SEVERAL MEN WERE SEEN COMING FROM THE TOWER WITH THEIR CHEEKS STUFFED TO THE BRIM WITH NUTS. MANY HAVE SAID THEY WERE JEWISH, BUT THEY ARE WRONG AS MOST JEWS HAVE A SERIOUS NUT ALLERGY AND WOULD NOT RISK BEING DETECTED IN THIS MANNER. IT IS MORE LIKELY THEY WERE METS FANS, ANGRY AT THE WORLD, AND THEREFORE OPEN TO ALL MANNER OF DASTARDLYNESS.

(“SarahMcL” wants me back on Thorazine again)

THORAZINE CAN BE COUNTER-ACTED AGAINST BY DRINKING THREE GALLONS OF DIET-COKE DAILY. IT CONTAINS ASPARTAME WHICH IS DONALD RUMSFELD’S WAY OF KEEPING EVERYBODY INSANE AND WANTING CHIPS. I CAN COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU FOR SIX HOURS AS I’VE GOT A COPY OF POWERPOINT AND A PROJECTOR I SOURCED FROM A FRIEND IN NEW JERSEY AND LOTS OF FREE TIME ON MY HANDS.

(thanks to all the commenters who threw fuel into the fire)