On Bill O’Reilly

I know cement that’s “smarter, funnier, better read and eminently more talented” than Bill O’Reilly.

On Dealing With The Stupidity Of “Real People”

Sometimes when I deal with real people they stand there and seem to stare at the air moving between us like a leopard stalking a Toyota with the windows rolled down. On occasion, I gently push them over and they fall onto their backs and their stupid arms reach up for imaginary handrails or something and their legs kick at the ground with impatience. They can lie there for hours like that – usually they begin to panic when it rains and their ridiculous mouths begin to fill with water and they begin to literally drown in their own stupidity. Some of the smarter ones have learned how to roll onto their fronts and begin to pick themselves up over a period of weeks. It’s like watching a baby with the mind of an antelope trying to explain nano-technology to a brick.

On Vaginas

Oh, vaginas smell like heaven on a Summer’s day, and taste like ice-cream stolen from the sugar-pixies themselves.

On Matthew Broderick Accidently Saying Something Sexual On Morning TV

I was interviewed by a regional news crew from the BBC in 2005 and somehow said the words “cock-sucking slut” when describing a road-traffic accident at a minor intersection.

These things happen.

On Margaret Seltzer Being Discussed At A 1930’s Dinner Party

(note – Margaret Seltzer was found out to have created a fictitious memoir based on her fictitious memories of growing up in an LA “hood”. She also has large breasts)

SIR GEOFFREY

Why, Adams, you old dog, you – come closer, dear boy. I simply must declare my undying adoration of that filly Seltzer’s marvellous mountains!

ADAMS

I hear the talents she so obviously brings are done a disservice by her penchant for lily-gilding, Sir.

SIR GEOFFREY

Indeed, my boy. But it is said amongst no finer crowd than this, that baby may have back – if not front, Adams. Thoughts?

ADAMS

I have heard the same whispers in the self-same corridors, Sir. She undoubtedly has a fine rack, although – if I may speak somewhat out of turn – it appears that she will not be going back after reportedly getting some black.

SIR GEOFFREY

Ah, what a damned shame. My darling Cressida went through the exact same thing in the Congo. Last time I saw her, she was waving goodbye from the back of an elephant, naked as the day I met her. Ah well – I guess it’s off to war, then?

ADAMS

Indeed!

SIR GEOFFREY

I meant for you, not me. Of course.

ADAMS

Of course, Sir. Wouldn’t dream of it any other way. (EXITS)

(thanks “Hamud”)

On The Titles Of Future Blogs I’ll Create To Get A Book Deal

“Things I Should Tell My Cats, But Don’t”
“Thoughts On Air”
“The Poetry Of Spilling Rice”
“Heartstopping Beauties I’d Never Have The Guts To Even Say Hello To”
“Things I Hide At The Back Of My Sock Drawer”
“Sexual Fantasies That Would Get Me Fired Almost Instantly From Anywhere”
“Injured Donkeys, And Other Things Men Cry About When No-one Is Looking”

On The Difference Between American English And English

We call ice-cream “daisy-dewdrop” over here. And cigarettes “rapists”.

(thanks “Moff”)

On Sex During College During A Show About Seals

I had multiple sex partners in college but not all at one time, well maybe two of us at once – you know, me and a girl, and sometimes another girl drunk and passed out on a sofa oblivious to me trying to unhook her friend’s bra while being both drunk and stoned while some stranger made toast in the kitchen. One time we actually did it behind the sofa and she went on top and I was so jealous because she could watch the TV in the opposite corner of the room like whenever she wanted to, and I had to completely rely on the audio to know what was happening and it turned out not so much as it was late and it was a political show about fishing rights in Norway and how it affected seal colonies or some shit and all the while I’m listening to this she’s completely grinding away on top of me and she starts whispering to me not dirty talk but about how cute the seals I couldn’t see were, and I’m lying there obviously enjoying myself watching both her breasts bounce up and down but all the time I’m thinking “just how cute are these seals?” and if I could think of any dirty-sex-talk in Norwegian so that maybe I could distract her from the seals or that maybe Norwegian-sex-talk would turn her on more than seal-shots because I was now getting physically uncomfortable because I was sure I was lying on the remote and my foot was stuck under the CD player and CD players cost a lot back in those days.

On My Forthcoming Birthday

It’s my birthday in August and I want a bike with handlebars and wheels and a bell that rings when I want it to, not when it feels like it like my last bike which would ring incessantly whenever I cycled over a high-voltage cable or pram.

On Book Sales

My books are flying off the shelves.

I have a poltergeist.