“I wanted you to be one of the first to know the glaringly obvious, hence this impersonal email: on the day after Friday, more commonly known as “Saturday”, I will hold a special ceremony to thank everyone who has not supported my campaign enough. Over the course of the last 23 months, I have been [...]
Archive for the 'Gawker' Category
Hillary’s Drop-Out Email To Her Supporters
June 5, 2008
On Rabid Hillary Fans Trash-Talking About The Obamas
June 5, 2008
“i really hate it when he says america when we all know he means his own country of MUSLIM”
“michelle obamas feet look too big for her body i hate to think of those feet walking and slowly ruining the carpet in the oval office. her hell-heels will help hezbollah win mark my words”
“he keeps saying [...]
On The Size Of Scottish Cocks
May 16, 2008
It is a widely known fact that the size of Scottish penises (or “Jock-cocks”, “thistle-wranglers”, “sheep-stabbers”, “anti-English-hard-ons”) are of such an enormous size, it made the wearing of pants (or “trousers”) difficult for most of the population until the mid 1700’s, and hence made the invention and subsequent wearing of the kilt a necessity. Many [...]
On Real Men
May 13, 2008
Real men don’t watch movies or stay in hotels – they sit naked at the sides of rivers, smoking tree branches, slamming their balls between rocks while eating raw fish caught by their own ball-slamming hands as their women-folk are out getting girdles or having their toenails waxed by Brazilian accountants. They then journey home [...]
On Bill O’Reilly’s Special Alone Time
May 12, 2008
Every night, a naked Bill O’Reilly sits hunched over in a dark and airless closet surrounded by untold numbers of boxes of women’s shoes. He opens up a pair of sling-backs, and sniffs them until he almost passes out. When his face is red enough he carefully boxes them away, childlike in his movements, already [...]
On Landline Phones Being Easy To Tap
May 5, 2008
That’s why I still use smoke signals to conduct my business.
The velocity of Scottish winds ensures an almost unbreakable level of encryption.
On My Lack Of Drugs And Sex
May 5, 2008
I need drugs. And sex. And sexy drugs. And drug-fuelled sex. The kind of sex that makes the neighbour’s car alarms go off in a cacophony of plastic and metallic fear. The kind of drugs that make you grow little hooves on your thumbs for a week, and you have to explain to the checkout [...]
On Hope
May 5, 2008
Hope is like underwear – never give it up without a fight.
On Parodying The Conspiracy Theories Of The Rapper “Prodigy”
May 5, 2008
(sorry for the caps – but sometimes madness needs to be shouty)
THE ENORMOUS DEVIL PARAKEET “DUANE” STOLE MY BOXERS FROM MY DRYER WHICH WAS POWERED BY SECRET LINES OF ELECTRICITY RUNNING THROUGH MY HOUSE WHICH TERMINATE IN “MAGIC HOLES” BURROWED INTO THE VERY WALLS I TALK TO DAILY. “DUANE” HAS BEEN SEEN FLYING ABOVE SCHOOL [...]
