On Really Smart Animals June 28, 2008

I had a hamster who worked on The Manhattan Project.
He ended up flushing himself due to the guilt.

On The Voicemail From The Worst Pickup-Artist Ever June 28, 2008

(original transcription of his call, courtesy of Jezebel, for reference)
Hi Julia? It’s Paul calling again, the guy across the street in the bushes? I called you 2 years ago. I don’t like leaving second messages, but you’ve very elegant and have a long neck like a giraffe you see in the zoo and very attractive [...]

On Dick Cheney’s IM Conversation With An Oil-Rich Rogue State June 26, 2008

ShakySheik_77: Hi ther!
ShotgunDick128: Oh, hai! Age/size of oilfields/likes?
ShakySheik_77: 52. 600 million barrels, Xtina
ShotgunDick128: Kewl. System of government?
ShakySheik_77: Erratic, sometimes despotic, deeply religious when it suits us.
ShotgunDick128: Wow. That sounds hot.
ShakySheik_77: Thnx! My corrupt, extended family think so.
ShotgunDick128: So…whatcha wearing?
ShakySheik_77: Robes.
ShotgunDick128: Anything underneath?
ShakySheik_77: Contracts for arms suppliers, oil refineries.
ShotgunDick128: How big are they?
ShakySheik_77: They’re pretty big [...]

On Obtaining Actual News From Newsmedia June 23, 2008

Looking for actual news from newsmedia these days is akin to looking for allegories in toothpaste.
I have no idea what I mean by that. But it won’t stop me obtaining my geopolitical analysis from the grease stains on fast-food wrappers.

On What Michelle Obama Could Get Up To In The Whitehouse June 20, 2008

I heard that she’s going to open a salon for WOMEN ONLY in the West Wing and they’re going to wash hair and do nails in gaudy colours only fit for trailer parks and Applebees and that they’re going to dry the hair WITH THE FLAG that John McCain fought and died for back in [...]

Hillary’s Drop-Out Email To Her Supporters June 5, 2008

“I wanted you to be one of the first to know the glaringly obvious, hence this impersonal email: on the day after Friday, more commonly known as “Saturday”, I will hold a special ceremony to thank everyone who has not supported my campaign enough. Over the course of the last 23 months, I have been [...]

On Rabid Hillary Fans Trash-Talking About The Obamas June 5, 2008

“i really hate it when he says america when we all know he means his own country of MUSLIM”
“michelle obamas feet look too big for her body i hate to think of those feet walking and slowly ruining the carpet in the oval office. her hell-heels will help hezbollah win mark my words”
“he keeps saying [...]