On The Size Of Scottish Cocks

It is a widely known fact that the size of Scottish penises (or “Jock-cocks”, “thistle-wranglers”, “sheep-stabbers”, “anti-English-hard-ons”) are of such an enormous size, it made the wearing of pants (or “trousers”) difficult for most of the population until the mid 1700’s, and hence made the invention and subsequent wearing of the kilt a necessity. Many years of roaming the hillsides looking for some English to trap and eat, coupled with the free-flowing aspects of basic kiltery led to a clause being inserted into the Act of Union in 1707 banning the wearing of the kilt unless in a designated area whilst playing the bagpipes and gouging gullible tourists about fake monsters in slightly creepy lakes. Following the assimilation into the United Kingdom, kilt-wearing nearly died out, and was replaced by the Scottish male almost exclusively wearing shortie-shorts, around which he hung his drying haggis and skulls “he had innocently found” of the English. This was seen as a blatant attempt in goading the English, coupled with the fact that Robert Burns had just spread a rumour about every Englishman only having half a testicle due to the overproduction of a nascent imperial arrogance on their part.

Scottish penises would never be as large again. The “Golden Era Of Scottish Cockage” (as Sir Walter Scott termed it in his lament “Och, Ma Boaby’s Wee Now”) seems to have died out in the late 19th Century. Generations of Scotsmen have had their penis growth restricted by the pant-wearing fashion of modern times, and now Scot’s penises rank just under the leaders Belgium in the latest European Union Cock Index (2006).

Scottish Nationalist party leader, and current First Minister of Scotland Alex Salmond has vowed to increase the size of Scottish cocks in his party’s latest manifesto “Bigger Cocks As Soon As We Split From The Tiny-Dicked English”. Approval of this motion will be put to a referednum vote in 2010, and it is hoped by all that the pro-big voting block will get the bill passed by Parliament, so that we all may see the rise of big Scottish cocks again.

(as goaded from me by commenter “Unfun”)