It is a widely known fact that the size of Scottish penises (or “Jock-cocks”, “thistle-wranglers”, “sheep-stabbers”, “anti-English-hard-ons”) are of such an enormous size, it made the wearing of pants (or “trousers”) difficult for most of the population until the mid 1700’s, and hence made the invention and subsequent wearing of the kilt a necessity. Many [...]
Archive for May, 2008
On The Size Of Scottish Cocks
May 16, 2008
On Real Men
May 13, 2008
Real men don’t watch movies or stay in hotels – they sit naked at the sides of rivers, smoking tree branches, slamming their balls between rocks while eating raw fish caught by their own ball-slamming hands as their women-folk are out getting girdles or having their toenails waxed by Brazilian accountants. They then journey home [...]
On Bill O’Reilly’s Special Alone Time
May 12, 2008
Every night, a naked Bill O’Reilly sits hunched over in a dark and airless closet surrounded by untold numbers of boxes of women’s shoes. He opens up a pair of sling-backs, and sniffs them until he almost passes out. When his face is red enough he carefully boxes them away, childlike in his movements, already [...]
On Landline Phones Being Easy To Tap
May 5, 2008
That’s why I still use smoke signals to conduct my business.
The velocity of Scottish winds ensures an almost unbreakable level of encryption.
On My Lack Of Drugs And Sex
May 5, 2008
I need drugs. And sex. And sexy drugs. And drug-fuelled sex. The kind of sex that makes the neighbour’s car alarms go off in a cacophony of plastic and metallic fear. The kind of drugs that make you grow little hooves on your thumbs for a week, and you have to explain to the checkout [...]
On Hope
May 5, 2008
Hope is like underwear – never give it up without a fight.
On Parodying The Conspiracy Theories Of The Rapper “Prodigy”
May 5, 2008
(sorry for the caps – but sometimes madness needs to be shouty)
THE ENORMOUS DEVIL PARAKEET “DUANE” STOLE MY BOXERS FROM MY DRYER WHICH WAS POWERED BY SECRET LINES OF ELECTRICITY RUNNING THROUGH MY HOUSE WHICH TERMINATE IN “MAGIC HOLES” BURROWED INTO THE VERY WALLS I TALK TO DAILY. “DUANE” HAS BEEN SEEN FLYING ABOVE SCHOOL [...]
On Bill O’Reilly
May 5, 2008
I know cement that’s “smarter, funnier, better read and eminently more talented” than Bill O’Reilly.
On Dealing With The Stupidity Of “Real People”
May 5, 2008
Sometimes when I deal with real people they stand there and seem to stare at the air moving between us like a leopard stalking a Toyota with the windows rolled down. On occasion, I gently push them over and they fall onto their backs and their stupid arms reach up for imaginary handrails or something [...]
