On Book Sales March 31, 2008

My books are flying off the shelves.
I have a poltergeist.

On Muslims Now Outnumbering Catholics March 30, 2008

Cats are now outnumbering dogs, while dolphins are gaining on the seahorses.
I blame global warming. And local moaning.
(commenter “Tnuc” asks who “Rueters” is – note “Reuters” was misspelled in the article) (I reply to “Tnuc”)
“Rueters” is a well-known Dutch explorer, whose main exploits date back to the middle of the 18th century.
He is famous for [...]

On Three Erotic Short Stories March 29, 2008

(these are for the commenter known as “Unfun”)
“You’re wearing a long overcoat and working in a saw mill just outside of Pittsburgh. You’re the local union rep, and I’m the high-on-capitalism-itself mill-owner. One day I stop all the workers from going to the toilet just because I can, and charge $20 to let them see [...]

On The Diamond-Back Gerbils Of Scotland March 27, 2008

(originally, the discussion was about the use of scorpions in advertising)
Scorpions are nothing. We don’t have the warm climate in Scotland to support that kind of arachnid, but what we do have is the diamond-back gerbil. Originally a native of Southern France, it was imported here for a laugh back in 1859 by a drunken [...]

On Waiting For A Bad Movie To Come Out On DVD March 27, 2008

I’ll wait to watch this on DVD. It’s easier to set fire to a DVD than it is to a cinema screen. You can also put a DVD in your microwave and cook it, which you can’t with a cinema screen, unless you have a huge microwave, which NASA probably has. And as I currently [...]

On The Threat Of File-Sharing In South America March 27, 2008

The threat from peer-to-peer file-sharing is already becoming apparent. The persistent downloading of illegal digital media in South America has led to an ecological and economic imbalance to such an extent that people can no longer pay artists to perform on a regular basis and has led them to give their hard-earned cash over to [...]

On Healthy Diet And Exercise Tips March 26, 2008

To stay healthy, I only eat nuts I’ve picked from the faecal matter of sad elephants. I crush them between two house bricks until they form a smooth paste, which I then smear onto a single leaf of lettuce coated in yak butter. I then take my super-lettuce leaf and sandwich it between two slices [...]

On Nike March 25, 2008

Nike is a cancer within the collective unconsciousness of the modern world.
That’s why I cover my feet with leaves and tie them up with string made from algae. I also wear coconut underwear as a political statement.

On My Balls March 25, 2008

My balls contain millions of the beginnings of little people unlike women who have just one big egg thing which is only available ONCE during June every seven years and my balls sometimes leak the beginnings of little people onto the big egg and sometime later the big egg hatches out the woman and the [...]

On Reading Magazines In The Dark March 25, 2008

I prefer to read my magazines in the dark. I like the faint outlines of the text which renders idiotic articles barely readable – and the pictures of unattainable scenarios populated by people apparently chosen to make me hate myself even more than I actually do? They all kinda look like asparagus.
I don’t even like [...]