“Funny – I can look objectively at myself while fucking a cow. It’s part of the attraction, really.
That, and the way the udders swing back and forth.”
(I reply to myself)
“Oh, please – you’re barely a human being with a poisonous heart and a job you hate.What do udders have to do with anything?
You’re the worst [...]
Archive for February, 2008
On Having Sex With A Cow And Arguing With Myself
February 29, 2008
On Conspiracies
February 28, 2008
You see, everybody – everything is linked, all things are connected and the centre cannot hold without string produced in communist Sweden. Eggs have the right to vote in Algeria while chickens cannot hold down government positions in Southern France without the consent of their parents. Couple this with the insatiable demand of network news [...]
On The Inaccuracy Of Lolcats
February 27, 2008
I photoshop the captions out of Lolcats and save them to my computer drive because I like the pictures of cats and sometimes what they say doesn’t sound like something a cat would say in normal life, like someone is making them appear to say ridiculous stuff or think along the wrong lines completely. After [...]
On Luke Perry Calling Tori Spelling “Camel”
February 22, 2008
Luke Perry called me “wolf” once. I’d just bitten him on the face.
On My Talented Genitals Since 9/11
February 21, 2008
Since 9/11, I’ve secretly measured my cock on an almost daily basis. It allows me to predict rain, the state of the Dow Jones index, and the location of the nearest Polish delicatessen to within 20 yards. My balls can also translate mandarin into Italian with reasonable accuracy, while my ass is still fucking close [...]
On George Clooney Fixing My Toilet
February 21, 2008
Clooney fixed my toilet, once. I didn’t even know he was in the house, apart from the odd clanking noise and a vague sensation of water dripping onto someone really handsome. After the initial shock of finding a Hollywood A-lister in my bathroom carrying out basic plumbing, I made him a cup of coffee and [...]
On People Apparently Holding Their Breath While Reading E-mail
February 21, 2008
I sometimes hold my cock when reading e-mail, but it depends on the subject line. I usually hold it more often when browsing certain websites. My breathing becomes quicker – which I feel is a normal reaction – but otherwise I don’t feel much pain, and mostly retain consciousness throughout. I refuse to worry about [...]
On Trying To Explain To My Mother Why Gawker Posts So Much About Julia Allison
February 21, 2008
My mother reads this site and it took me three hours and forty minutes to explain to her why there’s so many posts about Julia Allison. Amongst other things, I had to draw graphs, impersonate both Julia and Nick Denton (and Lolcait for some reason), then refer her to a book I had stolen from [...]
On The Limericks of Lindsey Lohan
February 19, 2008
There once was a girl called Lindsey
Whose grasp on reality was flimsy
She drank through careers
Did coke with her peers
And fucked her way into Kinsey.
On How To Get Published
February 19, 2008
This is why I have my unfinished manuscripts tied to a brick and delivered forcibly – and at speed – through the window of my prospective publisher/future hate figure. I cover the pages in silly string, and have my special labels made up saying “Buy this. Need food.” plastered all over them. I back this [...]
