On Ideas For Martha Stewart January 31, 2008

Big Idea: To provide shoes for owls and other nocturnal hunters such as foxes, suburban cheetahs and TMZ reporters. These shoes would glow in the dark and scream in the daylight. When not worn by the recipient, the shoes could be used as measuring utensils in a soup kitchen or at a family barbecue. A [...]

On Working For A Company January 31, 2008

I worked for a company once. I enjoyed my time there as they allowed me to go to the toilet indoors.

On Domestic Appliances and Tax-loopholes January 31, 2008

I don’t pay any taxes because I don’t own a hairdryer. If I ever need to dry my hair, I open the window and rub the money I’ve saved into my scalp. I then place the damp notes into my oven on a low heat for around 15 minutes. If you use a fan-assisted oven, [...]

On Worrying Signs Of A Forthcoming Recession January 31, 2008

I was in a recession once. My shoes became too tight for my feet while my hands turned a strange shade of purple. Upon carefully removing my socks later that night, I noticed that a crow had left a parking ticket on my windowsill, which was bewildering as neither I, nor the crow, owned a [...]

On A Fight With A Goat During A Drug-fuelled Rage January 30, 2008

One time, I took two paracetamol, and ten minutes later I punched a goat in the abdomen. That little goat-fuck was asking for it, though. Later, I had to take two more paracetamol for the pain in my right fist. Those little goat-fucks are surprisingly lithe and unpredictable. I should have sneaked up behind it [...]

On Being Disappointed By The Mormon Faith January 30, 2008

Mormons are fucking liars. They do not have spaceships and their cats cannot stand on their hind legs and walk backwards for any great distance. As to the shit I was told about their spoons – they are not backwards-facing spoons, all their forks don’t have notches on them for angel feet to rest upon, [...]

On Things Not To Say To Your Partner Right After Sex January 30, 2008

“This is our little secret, right?”
“I have to hang up now. Bye.”
“Am I your first clown?”
“‘night, dad”
“You never said anything about this on match.com”
“Sorry about the toenails.”
“Love lift us up where we belong.”
“Did you floss?”
“Are you thirsty? Would you like some Jesus-juice?”
“Sorry for the mess. The blood, I mean”
“Is this your first visit to Congress?”
“That [...]

On The Lamps Behind Johnny Weir And Evan Lysacek During Their Uncomfortable Television Appearance January 30, 2008

I like the lamps, the lamps are cool. The lady in the middle, not as nice as the lamps. There’s one guy at either end of the sofa, and each of them is kinda in front of a lamp, so it looks like they’ve got a lamp each. So, it’s looking like the lamps are [...]

On Lenny Kravitz Writing To Joshua Stein January 30, 2008

Love this piece, Josh. It’s really well written and typed. I like your style, you’re so yourself and not some other guy. A lot of these articles on the screen are in a bad way because a lot of people are not really writers. Some of them are steelworkers, or people who stand at the [...]

On Receiving Threatening Calls From Scientologists January 30, 2008

“Tonight I received a call from an unknown number saying, ‘If you enjoy breathing, shut your fuckin’ mouth,’ and then they hung up.”
“Later, they rang back and apologised, and asked if I wanted to save money when calling long-distance. Turns out it was their first day on the job, and they had mistakenly read from [...]